How Do I Get My Teen Sons to Talk to Me? - Lisa Damour, PhD

Strategies for Connecting with Teenage Sons

• It’s Not Personal: Dr. Lisa Damour emphasizes that a teen son’s withdrawal or silence is rarely a personal rejection. It is a common developmental stage, often described as shifting from being a "jelly bean" (someone they want constant access to) to a "Brussels sprout" (someone they know they need but want to minimize contact with).
• The "Static" Barrier: Boys often lack the vocabulary to describe their emotions. One teen described his internal state as "static"—he knows he is stirred up or upset, but he lacks the fluency to articulate the specific feeling.
• Socialization Challenges: Society often socializes boys to view emotional expression as "feminine." This leads to a lack of practice in discussing feelings, making it difficult for them to open up as they enter adolescence.
• The Role of Fathers and Men: To counter the idea that emotional work is only for women, men (dads, coaches, uncles) must be on the front lines of emotional conversations. If children learn that mothers handle feelings while fathers only focus on "fixing" problems, it reinforces the belief that emotional expression is not for boys.
• Avoid "Grilling": Parents should avoid interrogating their sons. Instead, remain available, invested, and engaged, even if the son’s responses are brief.
• Adapt Your Tactics: Strategies that worked when a child was 11 or 12 often stop working by 14 or 16. Parents must be willing to update their "repertoire" of connection strategies rather than giving up or resigning themselves to silence.
• Key Takeaway: Do not stop trying to connect. Even if a teen is currently unresponsive, maintaining a consistent, low-pressure presence is essential for long-term emotional health.